Saturday, 16 July 2011

Naked Birthday

I know it hurts, what you believe:
That everything is just as seems

The walls are cracked, the road is long
And I can't tell if their will is that strong

To force a change in the light to relieve you of strife
To force a change in the heart as it all comes crashing down

You never will see it,
You never will know,
You never will feel it,
But where did you go?

                                                     Naked Birthday
                                                     Switchblade Symphony

36 years, today. Fuck, am I really that old? I still laugh at fart jokes. I still giggle at the words poo and doodle, and I'm growing my hair again just as I did when I was 18. 

Am I really that old? Am I 4 years off 40? Or should I spell it - forty - so it doesn't look so... so... so OLD?

I realised today that my 18th birthday was now the mid point of my life thus far. Half of my life was as a minor, and half as an adult. 

Fittingly, today is the beginning of the 3rd epoch of my life's trilogy (0-17, 18-35 & 36-53). For now I won't think beyond 53, although I would dearly love to be around as long as I can. It's not worth thinking about at this stage though. At present, I shall think in terms of the trilogy.

For the first third of my life I dreamed, I wished and hoped. In the second third I did, I fought, I reached and I achieved. 

But in this middle phase I forgot who and what I was in the process. Effort demands payment, and my debt was deferred for a time. My body is making me pay for it now though; the debt has been called in. Yet I retain my memories and what I have done cannot be taken away from me. And so I am seeing that it wasn't all for nothing, I did purchase something for my efforts. I bought myself a life.

I am evolving and devolving; progressing and regressing. A causal loop has linked the end stages of the second epoch to the first. Once again, I am wondering why I am like I am, what my capacities are and trying to understand how best keep moving my life forward. There are still some things I want to do with my life, I'm not finished yet.

Three months ago I was dead inside, my mind a toxic wasteland, a nuclear graveyard, everything scorched and burnt, utterly desolate. Now, in many ways I have returned to feeling much like I did as a teenager; insecure, uncertain, somewhat angry but nevertheless thinking about the future and planning how to make my life better whilst making the most of my circumstances. For the first time in a while I am thinking like a person who wants to engage with the world, although it will be different this time.

This is a rebirth of some sort. I’m starting over, from scratch in some areas, because the way my disability has changed means some of my capabilities have not survived the transition into this third epoch of my existence. I’m learning how to calibrate myself after this reconfiguration. I’m awakening in an unfamiliar place. Today is not too dissimilar to July 16, 1993 when I entered adulthood or 16 July, 1975; the day of my birth.

…Another naked birthday.

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